Chapter 8: Miles … One does not simply walk into Mordor
Chapter 9: Jimmy … Kevin Keegan, Pills, and a shit ID
Chapter 10: Miles … Blinded by the lights
Chapter 11: Levi … An acute sense of assemblage
Chapter 12: Jimmy … Fear and Loathing in the toon
Chapter 13: Grace … A not so certain romance
Chapter 14: Miles … Leave before the lights come on
Chapter 15: Grace … Miss Dubois
Chapter 16: Miles and Grace… End Credits
Chapter 8: Miles… One does not simply walk into Mordor
Jimbos shitting it. Its radiating off his face and its sort of hilarious. Bless him. Suppose there’s a first time for everything. Carl’s pissing in an alleyway and we’re waiting for him outside a petrol station a street away from the warehouse. Oli makes his way out of the door triumphantly with a load of chewing gum and lollies.
“Suited and booted dickheads!”
Funny cunt. My lighters fucked so I have to use the end of Paddy’s to start up my snout. Something tells me that’s gonna cause me great irritance tonight. We begin to hear the noise of the crowd in the queue before we’ve even turned the corner down onto the bank leading to down Fleet street. I'm in a state of almost erratic excitement. Its nights like this that make living seem a somewhat enjoyable prospect. The six of us walk with a pace towards the back of the queue, the street lit up with fairy lights, the warehouse on the left hand side of the road and an industrial carpark on the right. Byker bridge and the metro line hang over the end of the road, the lights of buses and cars flying by. One thing I’ve got to say about this place is everyone’s got fucking style man. Girls in boots and berets and guys in loafers and dark blue denim jackets. Leopard print cardigans, red leather jackets, black string vests atop baggy jeans and air maxes. You see the funny thing is outsiders would argue that it’s the drugs that brings these sorts of places together. But its not. Its simply the sense that for people of our age this is the place to fucking be. A community of artists, photographers, writers, videographers, Djs, poets, journalists, musicians and just general likeminded partygoers. This is the place to fucking be man.
“ Oi oi fuckas. You’se cunts forgotten how to use a phone like?”
We turn and see the face of the last one of our merry little band of brothers coming up behind us. Peter Love. More commonly known as sneaky Pete. To us he’s the artful dodger. He’s a pretty cunt that’s for sure. Slim cheekbones and mat black thick European sort of hair, a sort of ill looking pale that all the girls love. A real charmer too. Me and him are like sort of twisted soul brothers. Rents and Sickboy sort of thing. He makes his way towards us at the back of the queue with a Richard Ashcroft sort of walk and gives us all a quick hug and handshake before he’s off doing the same with the girls in front who he clearly knows from some past escapade. Or more likely, his cock does. He’s already got a kiss on the cheek off one of them. Cheeky bastard. They’re students too. The attractive high self-esteem kind. They eat up a bit of rough like Pete.
I come up behind him and lay an arm round his shoulder while he introduces me as ‘the mate that should’ve been a brother’. These girls eat up that ‘lovey dovey’ friendship shite. Sign of maturity, I guess. Expressing one’s emotions. I get chatting to one called Rosie who seems like a bit of a cool cat, while the rest of our lot are mouthing obscenities to me from behind. She’s my type to a tee. Dark brown hair with blonde tips, brown eyes and about 5’5, dressed in a black Amy winehouse t shirt and a black mini skirt with Blue Nike TNs. Telling me about how she’s a first year and studying fine arts and she’s from Bristol. I make conversation back and try my best effort to give a good portrayal of myself, trying to show I’m competent on an intellectual level and not just some fuckwit who likes the look of the pretty girl in front of him. Talking about music and the literature I like and that sort of thing. I tell her I like Joy Division and the strokes, and she seems to be impressed, hitting me with one of those ‘kiss me’ sort of smiles.
“No way, I love the strokes!”. Bingo.
Pete’s got her mate on tenterhooks already by the looks of things, doing his rudimentary whispering in the ear shite, and she’s giggling away hanging on every word. What I'd give to look like that fucker for a day.
The queues moving forward a bit now as more and more bodies join the back. I pass my ciggie to Rosie and she beams me a smile that melts my heart. Keeping my cool round this one is gonna be some task.
A movement of bodies and heads creates an opening and I see HER up ahead next to the bouncer. FUCK. Gracey. I feel my smile disappear and her face swings round out of view. Rosie’s asking me what I’ve seen, and I just tell her I thought it was someone I used to know. Shit. The second I forgot about her for a moment she fucking appears right in front of me. What is my luck man.
Chapter 9: Jimmy…Kevin Keegan, pills and a shit ID
Av had that posta of Keegan above me bed since a was 12. Im not bein funny reet, but he’s sort of become a bit of a voice of morality for is likesay. Like, there’s a sort of voice in the back of me heed gan, ‘what would Keegan say’, yina. Av got these black darth vader cowies burnin a hole in me pocket like and am sort of wondering what Keegan wud say about these. A reckon there’s nee chance in hell he would neck these willingly. But a also reckon he was from a different time, different era, yina. He probably wouldn’t get al the drugs shite.
Am nervous man. Am pia shitein it. Fuckin Miles was insistent a came down like. In al fairness av bottled the last two. Listened to the voice of Keegan and that. But there was somethin itchin inside of is aboot the neet. Just felt like a had to see what the crack was.
Av got to admit the alcohols taken the edge off a bit like. Am sorta getting excited a bit now as wu head down into the back of this queue. And fuck me, the lassies here. Av never seen anything like it. Nee fuckin clue why av not been before mind. A would’ve been a regular attenda if ad nen the crack aboot this like. Miles and Pete are chattin to these lassies in front who they obviously know somehow. Usual crack like. The rest are behind with me and theyre pia buzzin man. Oli, Paddy, Carl n Johnny. All pia grinnin. A must admit, all this excitedness is startin to wear off on me abit.
Afta not long wu reet up by the front ov the queue and the nerves are back as am thinkin aboot handin this bouncer me shan fake ID. Johnny’s takin absolute liberties windin me up whisperin from behind is “Alreet David” cause that’s the name on this license. Fucken ell. Bouncers fackin huge too. Here gans nowt as a pass him up the ID. He looks at it then looks back at me and forra split second am thinkin am fucked like, hesitation and all that, but next thing yina hes passed it back and gone “have a good night son”. YES. AH FUCK YES. As a step through the entrance and get hit by the lights am buzzin man. Pia buzzin. Cannit fuckin wait. Now av just got to think aboot when am gonna drop these cowies.
A show this lass on the desk in the entrance room me ticket and am thinkin that not even she’s bad lookin. Av woke up in a fuckin dreamland of beautiful lassies here. What the fucks gan on. The place is dimly lit with these sorta red LED lights that make yi feel as if yir in some sorta sci-fi flick and the bass is fuckin movin the floor up nd doon. A pull back this big metal door and am in this sorta corridor wi the toilets on the left nd the main room on the reet. The boys step in behind is and theyre pia bouncing and am startin to get wat al the fuss is about as we make wu way through into the main room.
Fuck me. The only word a could use to describe this place is alive. Its fucken heevin. Just pia bodies man al shakin aboot. Caught up in the rhythm likesay. Av never seen owt like this in the clubs in the toon like. Somec special this and the nights not even fully kicked off yet.
Wu make wu way owa to the bar and get a round a voddys in before we make wu way over to the dancefloor where Miles and Pete are wi them lassies. The fucking lighting rig in this gaff is fuckin spectacular like. Pia lazers and physcadelic shite al owa. There’s a sorta platform bit on the left ov the floor with a projection shinin doon on it and some hippy looking lassies are danicin away, and uptop towards the back is the Dj booth which is lit up with a big purple rectangle. To the reet of the floor is the bar where weev jus been nd that’s sorta covered in this red veil sorta thing which yi have ti step through. Cool as fuck man.
Me nd the boys are just sorta bobbin along in amongst the crowd until Miles nd Pete turn to wu nd say the reckon wu should drop these cowies aboot ten ti twelve. I say nice one but am pia shitein it. Thats ownly twenny minutes away like. Id always turned me nose up at the others nd al the drugs shite yet here ah am in the thick of it. Like what tha fucker in batman said, you either a die a hero or live long enough ti see yisel become the villian, or some shite like that. Na Im too smart man. Im not like any of these cats. Jus chasin the next buzz comin doon of the last one. Nee way. One time thing just ti see what the fuss is. Am lookin roond an everyone in this gaff seems ti be lovin the stuff like, everyone pia grinnin nd jumpin aroond. Cannit di yi any harm this shite can it.
Ten ti twelve rolls aroond soon enough like nd me nd the boys make wu way ti the bar nd get a water each ti chase the taste of the shite. Wu make wu way back through the crowd nd oot of the big door out of the main room. Wur in this sorta corridor plastered wi cool posters nd that, lit up by these sorta yellow strobe lights. There’s loads a fuckas out here clearly wi the same idea as us like, al sorta ferryin aboot, either on the shit already or waitin ti take it.
Wu get ti the loos and its like someone organised a seperate party for in here cos fuck me, just pia bodies man. Its dimly lit wi red LEDs like somec out of a horror flic. These laddies come oot of the cubicle at the end so me Johnny nd Carl just cram into it and a guess the rest of the cunts in here are just used ti this shite cause there’s nee funny lucks or owt. Canny funny that when u think aboot it.
Johnny gets oot the bag with the cowies in ah get hit wi this awful nervous feelin in me stomach. Fuck man. Thank fuck the tiny like.
“Never done these vader ones before like, they’re meant to be strong as fuck.”
Ah mint aye coulda telt is that before, first timer and that.
“Get yi water ready your gonna want it quick. These bastards taste like hairspray in yir mooth.” Noted. Cheers Carl.
Wu put them on wu tongues nd then on the count a three wu al just neck them. A gulp some water and that’s it. Panic over. What am plannin is to try and forget ah took the cunt, nd sorta hope it just smacks is dead in the face on the dancefloor when am least expectin it.
“The nights begun properly now lads. See you on the other side.” Quite poetic that for Johnny ah must admit.
We stumble out this cubicle and there’s a bunch ah lassies at the front ah the queue. Unisex bathrooms man. Proper 21st century shite.
“A promise we weren't shagging in there.” They just laugh. And am sorta gettin the sense this is gonna be one of the best nights of me life. We’re walking back through nd a can feel the bass in me foot. The dancefloor beckons man. The dancefloor beckons.
Chapter 10: Miles… Blinded by the lights
No fucking clue where the others are. But that's fine cause I'm sort of digging this Rosie girl. Shes cool as fuck. Probably helps we’re both high as a kite. I've let her nab my sunglasses cause her eyes were starting to twitch a bit. We’ve headed outside for a smoke cause we’re both sweating buckets and she's grabbed my hand and is leading me through the mass of bodies around the entrance. The warmth of her palms interweaving with mine pulsates through me. Love it when they do that. Sexy as fuck.
We get outside and the fresh air on my skin feels like a fully body orgasm. I'm warm and tingly all over and I just feel fucking amazing. Rosie’s clearly on the same wavelength cause she just can’t stop grinning. She’s got a lollie-pop in her mouth and she asks if I want a taste. Apple chuppa chupp. Oh yes. SENSATIONAL.
I pull a ciggie out and ask some hippy looking lad in a French chore jacket and a cap if i can borrow his lighter - “Yah that’s fine bro, absolutely man no probs.” The hyperbolically friendly student lingo would usually tick me off but I'm too fucked and too happy to care. I light up and inhale every last bit of smoke. Every little thing just feels fucking amazing man. Sensory overload. I blow some smoke in Rosie’s direction and she inhales it and blows it back. I pass her the ciggie and she pulls up her sunglasses and rests them on the top of her head, looking like some sort of vogue model. She shoots me a smile that genuinely makes me question whether it's the drugs or whether I’m in love.
“How about it then peachy... you and me.”
I smile at her in a way that's charming but not too forward.
“Are you going to fucking snog me Miles or what.”
Wow. No, I definitely do love her. Her lips are on mine and it genuinely feels like my soul is connected to hers or something. A real chemical romance. We stay out there for a couple more minutes before she takes my hand again and leads me back inside.
We’re moving through the crowd and I've got my hands on her waist and she’s sort of backing up into me. Her slender hips moving in unison with my body. We get to this spot near the front and start dancing together and I'm spinning her around, my hands locking into hers as she’s holding deep eye contact and moving into me. We start kissing again and I genuinely can’t remember ever feeling happier. I'm holding her in my arms and we’re just sort of grooving. This is fucking electric man. We’re cascaded with wave upon wave of emotion, the correlation between sounds is immense, the music feels like its pouring right through us, touching every nerve, feeling, thought. A body high like nothing else. The lights are crashing down on us and flooding into the darkness of the room. Red, yellow, purple, blue. The atmosphere in this place is fucking electric. ELECTRIC. This piano loops over and its pure euphoria. EUPHORIA. I can feel my eyes start to roll back and my jaws all over the place but none of it matters. None of it. They could settle wars with this. All of life's problems just seem to shake off.
Mesmering tones, rising pianos. Mesmerizing tones, rising pianos.
I turn to my left and right and it seems everyone in this crowd is on the same wavelength, body's turning and shifting in unison. Questions of “What's your name, what's your story, and what you on?”.
A sea of people all equal, smiles in front and behind me.
This fella in a black vest brushes past me and I give him a hug and a high five. Then its just me and Rosie again and as her lips touch mine my hands are running through hers and then she’s holding my face and everything seems to stop for a moment and go quiet again.
Cause you and me are the same,
Ive known you all my life, I dont know your name.
This. This right here is the human condition in its most beautiful form. Empathy and love all round. Music thumping. Bodies jumping, kissing, smiling.
Arms wave, eyes roll back and jaws fall open...
Dizzy new heights, blinded by the lights, these people are for life.
Times moving so fast yet so slow. My palms are sweaty and warm. Rosie’s moving back into me and I can feel her waist against mine, her head resting on my shoulder as the lights beam down on us. I check the time on my phone and its nearly two o'clock. Means that Levi Parker kid is on soon. I hear he’s something special. Apparently he's been taking roofs off all around Newcastle for the last few months. He was a few years above us at school and he’s from Fenham so he knows a couple of the boys. He’s a real cool cat. Sort of a bit of a hero for us lot. I'm just buzzing man. Pure buzzing. I'd live in this moment forever if I could. Can’t fucking wait.
Geezers on E's and first timers.
Kids on wizz, darlings on Charlie.
All comes together for this party.
All races, many faces from places you've never heard of
"Where you from, what's your name and what you want?"
Sing to the words, flex to the fat ones
The tribal drums, the sun's rising
We all smile, we all sing.
Chapter 11: Levi… An acute sense of assemblage
As I step up to the decks I'm sort of nervous but that feeling gets overridden by the one that this is the moment I've been waiting for. The kid before me has left me on a decent track with a good tempo. I've put my USB in the system and loaded up my tracks and now I’m thinking about what I’m going to open with. Need to select something that’s going to make heads roll and jaws drop. Captivate my audience. The place is already bouncing so this shouldn’t be too difficult.
Birds Flying in the Sunset by Innershades. 130bpm. Belter. Something to take the crowd out of their minds and into the body. Let them feel the rhythm before I take them up and on.
Track goes down a fucking treat. Arms in the air and bodies swinging.
Next tune. Trotters Independent Traders – Burning. Get an even better reaction when this one hits. The crowd goes wild with the piano on the bridge and they’re all singing along. I’ve got them and I’ve not even got to the good bit yet.
Next one I play is Force Mass Motion – Be there. Steady rythym. Hitting the ten to fifteen minute mark and I'm slowly bringing them up. About 135 bpm. The drop on this one gets a good reaction. Nice female vocal. Its a real progressive face melter.
Then I drop Clubwatchers – I need your love. Timeless classic. Organ sort of rythym that is guaranteed to get crowds jumping. Up to about 137 bpm now.
Handbaggers – You Found Out. Really got them with this one. They all sing and the melody and the bass is pumping. Real Heater.
Marlon Hoffstadt – Ode to sunset. Up to about 140. Real classic trance tune. They love this one. Arms and heads falling about all over the place. Just trying to keep them there before I hit the zone.
It gets to about the half an hour mark and I decide they’re ready so I'm gonna lay it on them. Big piano belter. Grip their hearts, soul's minds and bodies.
Da Lost Piano – Clubheroes, Mellow Trax Remix. Iconic. 142 bpm. Piano builds for about a solid minute until their gagging for it, then the tune breaks and there’s a short but timeless vocal...
THIS MAN NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION, IM A DOCTOR, STAND ASIDE. TAKE ONE OF THESE PILLS AND YOULLLL FEEL FINE...
and then the piano comes back in but heavier and with the drums and the tune drops and they’re fucking bouncing man. Bodies all over, arms high smiles wide and jaws pulled back. The room moving as one big collective, all-in unison. I've got them in the fucking zone. From here it can only get better. Blast off man. My ascension has begun.
Chapter 12: Jimmy… Fear and Loathing in the toon
Ah shit. Am fucked man. Pia fucked. My knees are weak nd me legs are shaky and me stomachs gan and ar fuck man what the fuck is gan on. Am nervous man am pia shittin it. Ah cannit tell if this is just the come up or whetha im aboot ti die. Fack. Me palms are sweatin and me jaw is startin to twitch a bit. Fuck. Water.
I give Jonny a heads up and ah make a B line for the bar through this crowd and get meesel a water. Still feel pia fucked man. As refreshin as that is. Ah reckon a bit of fresh air won’t do is any harm. Aye. I make a move for a snout.
Nd am making me way through this crowd nd me legs are wobbly nd then im ootside and fuck me. Its like a can feel the oxygen entering me body. Like some nectar of life shit.
A light up a snoot nd Im startin ti realise am alreet man. In fact am better than alreet. This snouts fucking lovely. Am fuckin chainin through. All of a second am fuckin buzzin man. And a cannit stop tapping me foot. AM FUCKIN BUZZIN. Me legs nd arms just won’t stop me moving and a can feel me jaw going so a stick some chud in. FUCK ME. Ive never felt so good in me life. Ah yes. AH FUCKIN YES. Im smilin and saying hello to just about every cunt a see and they’re all grinnin nd sayin hello back. Nd am warm man. So fuckin warm all over. Am touchin ma face and rubbin ma arms and am grinnin. The touch of skin on skin feels fucken amazin. Ah fuckin yes man. This is the buzz all them cats were on aboot.
Am racin to get back inside now. A can almost feel the music. Like its just me nd the tunes, Like its part of is. So am back in the entrance and back in the crowd to the boys and ah fuckin yes man. PURE FUCKIN EUPHORIA. A cant stop dancing. Ive never undertsood hoouse music till this very moment. Am lost in it man. Lost in the fuckin rythym.
A find the boys in the crowd nd am huggin nd kissin them man and theyre fuckin buzzin nd all. Fuck me man. This Levi Parker kid is on the decks nd fuckin smashin it banger after banger. Nd were just jumpin aboot al over the place same as other 400 or so cunts in here nd am tellin the boys ah fuckin love them nd al sorts ah shite. Nd Johnnys goin “fucking see what a mean”.
AYE A DO. A FUCKIN DO.
Ah cannit stop groovin man. Am dancin away nd am chewin this chud like a maniac. Nothing compares to this man. This feelin. PURE FUCKIN EUPHORIA. Nothin on fuckin plant earth compares.
Am lookin aroond nd a can see the faces of al the people a love most. Paddy, Carl, Johnny, Oli, Pete. From a distance a can see Miles too at the front wi some lass. I fuckin love these boys man. Fucking family yina. Nee matter how much the fuck up. Even Miles. Me best pal and me brother that cunt. Fuckin love him nee matter how much of a bellend he is these days. Fuckin hell. I want this for the rest of me life. Every fuckin weekend. A hope it never ends man. Nothing else matters. Pia fuckin bliss.
Chapter 13: Grace… A not so certain Romance
Miles. Fuck. What the fuck is he doing with a girl like that. He’s not even said fucking hello to me all night long. Fucking rude arsehole. I need a booster. The cokes leaving my system. Fast.
I fuck the boy I'm dancing with off and make straight for the toilets. I go to the furthest cubicle and shut myself in and scramble through my purse for my baggie. Thank fuck. Still plenty left. I empty some out on the ledge above the toilet and make a fat line with my credit card. I polish it off with no second thoughts and my heart is fucking pounding so I have to prop myself up against the wall with my arms and take a breather. Deep slow, long breaths. FUCK. Fucking hell. I can’t remember being this high. My heart is racing.
Miles. And that fucking girl.
Another line. Sure. I pour some more out the bag and set myself up another one. The taste is horrific as it goes up my nose and back down my throat. I can feel my teeth go all numb and fuzzy. And my heart is pounding. My chest hurts. FUCK. FUCK FUCK.
Im struggling to stand and Im pushing myself up against the wall of the cubicle gasping for air. I can feel a sort of warm trickling out of my nose. SHIT. Blood. Ive fucked it. I make a grab for tissues but the blood won’t stop fucking pouring. I can feel the colour leaving my face. My hearts racing. Im gasping struggling for air, trying to catch every last breath. SHIT. I sit on the cubicle and try to slow my breathing down. I can't leave this fucking cubicle. CANT FUCKING LEAVE.
Deep breaths Grace. Relax. BREATHE. Thank fuck. The wall of tissues up my nostrils has got the blood to stop. I stand up and feel sort of light headed but the banging in my chest seems to have calmed. Thank the fucking lord. I take in shorter breaths now and I feel a real buzz tingle through my body. Thank fuck. IM BACK. I take a sip of my drink and exit the cubicle and make straight for the dance floor.
I'm back and better than ever. Fit boys. Plenty of them. But fuck them. Miles won’t care if I get with some random. One of his mates however. He’ll be fucking raging. I look across the crowd and I see them without him. Paddy. Paddy will do. Those two have never really got on. That will make this even better.
I saunter through the crowd to the point where I’m in his direct eyeline so he can see me dancing towards him. I make heavy eye contact with him and back myself into him. I can see he’s all for it because he’s welcomed my presence and now he’s dancing with me and starting to spin me round. And now his hands on my lower back and I’m moving up to his ear and telling him I’ve always fancied him and almost as if the cocaine is doing the talking for me.
Next thing he’s on me and I’m biting his bottom lip hard and we’re dancing again and I feel fucking electric. Fuck Miles. Rude little prick. I see him glance over at us across the floor and I catch his gaze. He shakes his head and I can feel the rage. Ive won. HAHAHA. Ive won. Arsehole. I stick on to Paddy tight and kiss him again. This time more intensely. Then I tell him I need to go find my friends and that I’ll be back but it’s obviously a lie and I think he knows it too. I move off back into the crowd and I feel better than ever. Euphoric even. Men. So fucking simple.
Chapter 14: Miles… Leave before the lights come on
So that’s it. End of the night. I’m still with Rosie but I can feel the shit wearing off and I’m anxious to get out of this place before the lights come on and she sees what a state I’m in. Fuck man. What a night.
The musics ended and the crowd is piling out towards the entrance. Its a mix between the walking dead and the love brigade. I'm holding Rosies hand and leading her out to the street where everyone’s waiting for taxis or getting people together for afters. No chance am I going to any of that shite. I'm fucking dead.
We get outside and I can see the boys so I part ways with Rosie and give her a kiss on the cheek and tell her I’ll message her in the morning. Probably won’t but that’s just how things go.
Paddy. Fucking arsehole. I can feel the rage heat up inside of me as I see him. He sees me coming over and shoots me a sly little smile.
“You're a fucking cunt you know that.”
“How?”
“You know fucking how you posh prick.”
“She wanted me mate it's not my fault.”
“Still doesn’t change the fact you're a fucking cunt.
“Woah Miles chill out mate”. Not now Johnny you useless prick.
“Fuck off Paddy before I start swinging and cause a scene.”
“Chill out little man I’m fucking going anyways.”
He’s a sly little prick and he knows it. I'm raging but at least he’s going. He jumps in a taxi with Oli and they head off. Thank fuck.
Johnny and Carl come over and give me a hug and tell me to chill out. Clearly both still fucked but the sentiment is nice. Jimbos giggling away tapping his foot. Fuck me hahahaha. Never seen him so happy in his life. Drugs clearly worked. The crowd outside the gaff is getting bigger and bigger now but there’s a general consensus among the boys that none of us could hack afters. A huge crowd begin to head off towards the top of the street and it becomes quite clear where the party's at. The fairy lights hanging from lamppost to lamppost are rather flattering, illuminating the faces of the masses of people below. That’s probably the last of the pills having their affect.
“Here yous, where the fucks Pete?”
“Oh shit yeah.”
“Sneaky pricks done a runner.”
“Na he’ll be off shagging that lass I bet.”
“Funny cunt.”
“Reet are we making a fucking move for it or what.”
“Aye. Who’s got the bud?”, Carl asks of course.
“Ive got some, Ill start rolling once we make a move.”
So we walk and talk and me and Carl start to roll these joints as we head out of the Ouseburn and over towards Fenham. It's cold and dark but we’re taken on by the warmth of the night. We’re laughing and joking about the events of the evening, the emptiness of the streets allowing our voices to echo. The music is clearly still in our steps, with the melodies of the nights best tunes being sung over and over. I'm trying to convince myself I’m happy, having danced all night with a cool, pretty, smart girl, but the thoughts of Grace can’t seem to escape me. I’ve got a heavy heart man. Sometimes I feel as though the reason I spend so much time trying to catch a buzz is some sort of attempt to see what love feels like. Does the job to an extent I guess. I mean I know love, sure. I've got friends, family, friends that I love. I love my brother; I love the boys like brothers. The drugs bring me part of the way but the thing is I don’t know real love. I don’t know intimacy. I’ve never had that security. Of knowing anything was mine and that it was gonna stay. Fucking burns man. Burns. Feels like I’m just stuck waiting around for it. I don’t want ordinary love. Not like what the cunts round here call love anyway. Its all just shallow physical stuff. I want to be adored. I want to love and be loved deep. Why should I be madly in love with anyone if they’re not madly in love with me.
We spark up as we get to the town moor, I go first then pass it to Carl and so forth. We chat utter nonsense about the deeper meaning behind Pineapple Express and over analyse Wes Anderson films. The combination of the taste of the bud with the dryness of my mouth from the cowies is horrific. As we’re chuckling away me Carl and Jimmy cop on to the fact Johnny’s looking worse for wear. The nods and shoves between us signal this is a perfect opportunity for a wind up. There’s an awkward silence then Carl leads after a deep pause.
“Look Johnny... there’s something we need to tell you mate...”
Me and Jimmy nod in agreement.
“What”, he grunts.
“Do you think we should definitely tell him lads?”
“Fuckin what”, he becomes further annoyed.
“Na we can’t tell him surely”, Jimmy posits giggling.
“I really don't think we should”, I add, further drawing tension.
“Fucking tell me”.
Carls laughing almost uncontrollably yet trying to retain an air of seriousness.
“If we tell you this, you promise you can’t tell a soul”.
“I promise just tell me”.
“Only us and some of the top minds in the world know this information...”
“Those being the prince of sweden, the duke of bukina faso and the duchess of cubec”
“Fuck off Jimmy”
“Right Johnny, you’ve had this overwhelming feeling for some time now haven’t you, that your destined for greatness, but something is just holding you back. Like there’s a fog over your mind, stopping you from accessing your natural true born genius”.
“Basically something from the deep unknown making you a spacka”, I add.
“Fucking hell, now you mention it, aye. Aye I have felt that”. He’s beginning to rub his forehead incessantly like a madman. The colour leaving his face.
“The truth is mate... the government are controlling you through the 5g in your phone. The signals go up through your body and rot your brain”.
Me and Jimmy nod in absolution.
“Ah fucking hell, no, you’ve got to be joking, you can’t be serious!”, the panic in his face beginning to rise now.
“We’ve known for a while now, we just had to wait to tell you”.
“We’ve had government agents on our case for months.”
“Fuck off. No way.”
“Why do you think none of us have updated our phones for ages. Its all been part of protecting our minds.”
“Ah fucking hell lads your sending is west”. Johnny’s got his hands on his head now, pacing back and forth on the path.
“It’s the truth mate, we wouldn’t lie to you.”
“FUCK FUCK FUCK. IM FUCKED. I KNEW IT WAS THIS FUCKING PHONE.”
Johnny pulls his phone out of his pocket, stares at it, then proceeds to launch it out into the field, “FUCKING GET GONE YOU CUNT!”
Me Jimmy and Carl roll around in uncontrollable bursts of laughter.
“HAHAHA YOU DICKHEAD.”
“You really are a spacka you know Johnny. Falling for that shite. The fucking 5g. What’s this, the fucking joe rogan show?”.
The laughter does not stop for a good 5 minutes, and Johnny continues to look for his phone. His weed infused brain cells completely lost.
“NAR THATS NOT EVEN FUNNY, YOURE ALL PRICKS”.
In the laughter the onset of our comedowns seems to momentarily leave us. The rest of the walk home is slow and filled with beautiful and meaningful conversation, adjacent from the usual shite. There’s always a certain melancholy in the end of the night. You build up to it for so long, and then it’s gone in a flash, for you to only remember it in glimpses. Its nights like these that make life worth living for people like us though, because what the fuck else is there to do. What else have we been left with. You see the best of humanity in rooms like tonight. The nighttime seems to boil off all the excess shite that makes people unlikeable.
Chapter 15: Grace … Miss Dubois
Splatters of red on white sheets. I can’t fucking stand nose bleeds. And this one just won’t seem to fuck off. The sweats keep coming and going. Sleep is a far-off dream. Head is burning. Restless.
Cocaine. Always feels like a good idea at the time.
Missed call from Paddy. Probably wondering where I sloped off to. He was useful to me tonight. I’ll give him that. I sort of get what Mile’s always meant about him though. Something about that kid makes him hard to trust. He’s sleazy. His smiles. His gestures. Something about it all just isn’t quite. Genuine.
How dare he. That fucking pretentious arsehole. How dare he fucking ignore me. Pass me off. Miles. And that fucking girl. Why her. She didn’t even look like me. Resemble me. I can feel the bile boiling up within me. That hot white anger. Rage. FUCKING ARSEHOLE.
I couldn’t have slept alone tonight. It would’ve all just got to me. Too much. Lying with my back to the stranger alongside me in this bed. He was nice enough. He smiled. He didn’t talk too much. He listened to me adorn myself. I needed that. Someone to marvel at me. Put me on a pedestal. Still no chance he’ll see me in the morning. But I couldn’t have been alone. Not now. Not after seeing him. Seeing him so happy. So happy without me.
Chapter 16: Miles and Grace… End Credits
Miles: “7am rolls around and I’m lying awake as the light begins to creep in through the blinds and existential crisis starts. Just me and the company of the walls and the ceiling. And the thoughts. The bed is cold and the constant rolling around is bringing me no comfort. The sweat under my back is seeping into the sheets. Jaws aching and my head kills. I'm stuck in limbo between total wipeout and not being able to sleep. I'm itching to tell the birds outside the window to fuck off. Annoying little cunts. Their lyricism seems to punctuate my misery.
Fuck. Why do I do this shit to myself? It’s like I have no control over my own choices anymore. I just do shite because it’s in front of me and there’s fuck all else going on. Boredom. The root of it all. Is this all I'm ever going to be? A carousel of highs and lows and the little periods between. Fuck. I’m almost in physical pain at the thought of watching my potential slip away. Agony even. I'm in agony. Cause I’m smart man. Real smart. Always have been. Had read all of Orwell’s works by the time I was 13. The problem is no one round here cares about that sort of thing. So inevitably you just end up doing the same shite as everyone else. And all I can think is that this is me. This is going to be my lot now for life. Dancing in darkened rooms with strangers. Chasing the next buzz recovering from the last one…That buzz from her.”
Grace: “That buzz from him.”
Miles: "Grace.”
Grace: “Miles.”
Miles: “I couldn’t stand the way she was fucking looking at him. Paddy, I mean. Those eyes so swollen with lust and greed.”
Grace: “I couldn’t stand the way he was looking at me. Lying here now restless. Snivelling, sweating out into the sheets. That runny warm sensation pouring out of my nose. Playing back the images of his face in my mind. Gazes across the dancefloor full of pretention and snobbery, flickering through shades of dark and colour. Oh, how he sits on that fucking high horse. He thinks he’s better than me. All circumstance of this fucking morale anagnorisis he seems to have undergone. Like having anything to do with me word unravel his holiness. His arrogance. His slimy, condescending sense of righteousness. I hope it fucking burned. Watching me tonight. With Paddy. I hope it cut him deep.”
Miles: “It fucking burned. That hot, bitter fury rising up through my torso. Lacerating my insides. Only her. Only she ever brings that out of me. Freezes over the limbs in my legs and ties up my throat in knots. The way she does it. So freely. So carelessly. Whilst I’m stuck. Motionless.”
Grace: “He’ll never escape me. Now matter how hard he tries. You have to be mine to die on the rack if I want you. Mine. I need devotion. Control. We’re two sides of the same coin. He’s managed to evade this for so long now. Me. He must be tired. Tired of the pretence. The pretence of his indifference to it all. The pretence none of this bothers him. This distance between us. He can attempt to change all he likes. To … ‘grow’. But he’s still the same boy. Broken. Broken like me. He needs me. Like I need him.”
Miles: “I don’t need this anymore… I don’t want it. I’m too far past it. Its holding me back. The unremitting grab of the past. She’s changed. Far too much. She’s let her pain consume her. It’s not her fault. But I hardly recognize the girl she was anymore. It saddens me and I pity her. I do.
But I’m gone. I need to escape these feelings. This hate and agony. Motion. Journey. Moving forward. It brings me peace.
Life is elsewhere. Home has never been a place, but the presence of those we love. Friendship, comradery. Home consists of motion, journey. One day to the next. Crossing one dream into another. If I remain here any longer. Stuck. My soul will perish. Breaking free of this. All of this. It’s a must. Taking life into my own hands. Got to give myself a chance to be someone. Something. Something beyond this. Getting away. Going out and catching the butterfly.”
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